Military and divorce

November 20, 2008 – 7:29 am


Military divorce, is defined as a divorce where one of the parties (the “service member”) is active duty military, reserve or guard, or retired military. This is not a “legal” term that is recognized within the context of the law, but a lay term used to describe a divorce where one of the parties is a service member (regardless of the member’s status).Being a service couple does not exempt the parties from the same requirements that civilian couples must meet when filing for divorce. However, there are some states that have relaxed the residency requirements for active duty service personnel who want to file for divorce in the state in which they are stationed.

  
Military couples will also go through the same procedural process when divorcing. But they must also be aware that there are other factors that the typical civilian couple will not have to address, and which may prolong the process because of the very nature of one of the party’s military service, such as an active duty assignment in a remote area, or a permanent station overseas.Besides understanding the basic divorce process, it is imperative that military couples are knowledgeable in the factors that will affect their divorce as a result of military service. In fact, it may be even more important to know about the federal law that divides military retired pay, as your attorney will be the expert on your state’s own laws about divorce.

The Federal Law that Awards Military Retired Pay: If you are a typical civilian couple who is divorcing, you must primarily be concerned with the laws of the state in which you are divorcing.

Uniformed Services Former Spouse’s Protection Act (USFSPA): The USFSPA applies to all active duty, reserve/guard, and retired military, the U.S. Coast Guard, and members of the U.S. Public Health Service (USPHS) and the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA).

Myths that Have Caused Problems: Military couples have found themselves in financial trouble and drawn-out negotiations because of their misbeliefs regarding the USFSPA.

Examples of Problems You and Your Spouse Need to Address: While a similar group of questions (below) could be asked of any of the factors that are, involved in military divorces, the following will serve as one example that illustrates your need to know how your divorce will be affected by the USFSPA.

Factors that Affect Military Divorces: Just as in a civilian divorce, a military divorce will involve procedural requirements, property distribution, and perhaps child support or maintenance.

Federal Benefits and Financial Management to Consider in the Negotiation Process: Divorcing before the service member has attained 20 years of creditable service for retired pay purposes can be detrimental to the non-military spouse.

Controversies that Have Caused Court Appeals and Cost Money: There are numerous controversies, as analyzed from divorce court appeals, that have caused problems for military couples.

Hiring an Attorney: The most critical step you will take in your divorce, besides educating yourself about the USFSPA, will be your selection of an attorney. You would not go to a dentist to set your broken leg in a cast, would you?

What Attorneys Need to Know About Military Divorce: Any attorney knows that the lack of communication is one of the biggest complaints of clients. Add to it the lack of education (on the attorney’s or client’s part, or both) on the federal law that awards military retired pay, and you have the ingredients for not only angry clients, but also for other problems, not the least of which could be a malpractice suit.

What You Need to Do Right the First Time to Save Money: The majority of military people have very little information, or no idea, about the law that affects their retired pay in a divorce.

Take the Fisher Divorce Adjustment Scale at www.DivorceSeminarCenter.com

 

By Jerry Zimmer | Posted in General | Comments (0)

Author, Rosalind Sedacca, wins 2008 Victorious Woman Award

November 17, 2008 – 5:42 pm

Author, Rosalind Sedacca, wins

 

Divorce Seminar Center guest contributor Rosalind Sedacca, CCT was announced the first place inner of the 2008 Victorious Woman Award. The international competition was created by Annmarie Kelly, author of Victorious Woman! Shaping Life’s Challenges into Personal Victories. A panel of judges made the winning selections.

 

Sedacca is recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce and is the author of the new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! Her winning essay was taken from the first chapter of her book in which she shares her personal story about the trauma of telling her eleven year old son that she was divorcing his father.

 

Sedacca came up with an innovative approach that more than a decade later she turned into an interactive ebook. What makes the book unique is that she doesn’t just tell parents what to say. She says it for them! Sedacca uses fill-in-the-blank, age-appropriate templates to show parents how to create a storybook sharing family photos and history as a successful way to have the tough “break-the-news” conversation.

 

Therapists, attorneys, mediators and other professionals throughout the U.S. and other nations have endorsed the book, attesting to the value of her novel storybook concept.  Six therapists contribute their expertise to the book, as well. Her purpose is to raise the consciousness of divorcing couples so they will stop, talk and create a caring plan of action before having that first crucial conversation with their children.

 

Sedacca, who has since remarried, is also the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network where parents can access her free articles, ezine, blog, as well as many valuable resources and services to help parents create a “child-centered divorce.”

 

“By preparing a storybook in advance, about your family with your family’s photos, parents give their children something to hold on to that reminds them that they are safe and loved. The storybook approach also eliminates the awkwardness of not knowing what to say,” Sedacca adds, “while you are confidently providing essential messages your children need to understand.”

 

Sedacca’s son, eleven at the time of the divorce, is now a veterinarian who recently got married. His moving Introduction to the book personally acknowledges the effectiveness of this unique approach to a tough conversation.

 

“One of the most gratifying moments in my life came when my son, as an adult, confided  that he understood why his Dad and I divorced,” says Sedacca. “While he was very upset at the time, he said he could now see it was the right decision. He also thanked me for maintaining a positive interactive relationship with his Dad — what I now refer to as a Child-Centered Divorce.”

 

Kelly is a speaker, trainer, founder and principal of SkillBuilder Systems. Her consulting company offers Victorious Woman Workshops, where she facilitates a process through which women learn how to choose and develop more satisfying and authentic lifestyles, beginning with awareness and progressing through actions that result in a victorious outcome.

 

“Many, many of us are more victorious than we, and the world, give us credit for being,” says Kelly who claims her own victories over early familial dysfunctions that included alcoholism and sibling abuse, teenage overweight that resulted in self-image issues and paralyzing shyness, as well as later financial devastation and emotional loss.

 

Kelly says the purpose of the Victorious Woman Award is to “support other women, fearful of the unknown, and encourage them to find the good that waits for them on the other side of surviving!” She can be contacted at www.victoriouswoman.com.

 

How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! is available online as a downloadable ebook. It can also be purchased in CD format from attorneys, therapists and other professionals. To learn more visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. Sedacca’s free ezine, articles, acclaimed blog, coaching services and resource pages can be found at: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. Reach Sedacca at: Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com.

 

Take the Fisher Divorce Adjustment Scale at www.DivorceSeminarCenter.com

By Jerry Zimmer | Posted in Children and Teens, FDAS, Fisher Building Blocks, Fisher Seminars, General | Comments (0)

Divorced? Here’s some help in coping with Thanksgiving and Christmas

November 10, 2008 – 10:20 pm

Here are a few ways that you can stay sane through the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.

  1. Dealing with divorce: Coping with the nostalgia 

    The first Thanksgiving or Christmas after a divorce will be fraught with poignant memories of previous Thanksgivings and the traditions you shared.

    Expect to feel sad. The contrast between how you felt in previous years and how you feel this year will make it even more painful.

    Take this year to make new traditions. If you always spent Thanksgiving with your spouse’s family, go visit yours this year.

    Consider volunteering at a soup kitchen, or having a Christmas dinner with your friends. When you’re dealing with divorce, don’t put all your focus on how things were. Think about how things could be now, and take steps to make them that way.

  2. Dealing with divorce: Talk to supportive friends and familyDon’t worry about being a Debbie Downer. Now, that doesn’t mean you should spend the whole holiday weekend moping around and waxing eloquent about how horrible dealing with divorce is. It just means that you shouldn’t try to plaster on a happy face and keep it there, even when you’re in pain inside.

    If you need to vent or need a shoulder to cry on, grab a friend or family member that you trust and let it out. Otherwise, do your best to strive for a good holiday atmosphere, free from bitterness. The fact that you’re around supportive friends and family alone should show you that it’s not the end of the world.

    Just don’t make Thanksgiving itself your rant day. Try to talk to somebody beforehand and keep the negative thoughts and energy of dealing with divorce away from Thanksgiving and Christmas. Otherwise, you’re going to make the holiday itself more rotten for you and bring it down for your friends and family.

  3. Dealing with divorce: Be flexible with the schedulingIf you have children, then you’ll do something you haven’t had to do before: figure out which parent they’ll spend Thanksgiving with. It may be hard to arrange transportation and scheduling with your ex, but try to be civil and flexible when you do. Part of dealing with divorce is not letting bitterness color the holiday for you or your children. It’s not going to do anybody any good for you to get angry because your ex couldn’t pick up the kids until 7 p.m. when he was supposed to be there an hour earlier.

    Most importantly, don’t speak ill of your ex to your kids or complain about having to “share” them for the holidays. If your children are old enough to make decisions about where to go for the holidays, chances are they already feel guilty about not being able to see both of you on Thanksgiving or Christmas. Complaining will make it worse, and may actually make them resent you. Plus, even though your marriage didn’t work out, your kids still need their other parent and you should make them feel special.

  4. Dealing with divorce: List what you are thankful forAs you’re dealing with a life transition like divorce, you may very well be thinking about nothing else. And who could blame you? Everything in your life has been turned upside-down by that one action. However, the very definition of Thanksgiving is “giving thanks.”

    Take some time this Thanksgiving and Christmas to sit down and write out what you are thankful for. Make it serious; “I am thankful for my health and that of my family.” Make it silly: “I am thankful that gas went down five cents before my holiday trip.” Just take the time to see what you have to be thankful for. The list is probably longer than you’d expect, and by seeing everything that you do have in your life, you’ll have better perspective for this holiday and the future.

    Life transitions are never easy, and there may well be days where all you want to do is find a time machine and put everything back to the way it was before you had to deal with the divorce. But by taking little steps at a time, you’ll be able to adapt. The holidays will never be like you remembered them, but with a little patience, understanding and flexibility, you can make your first Thanksgiving and Christmas after a divorce a hopeful, if poignant, one.

Excerpted from an article on www.womendivorcesupport.com

Take the Fisher Divorce Adjustment Scale at www.DivorceSeminarCenter.com

By Jerry Zimmer | Posted in General | Comments (0)

Child custody – putting your children first

November 3, 2008 – 7:39 am

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

 

 

A recent article I read in a Florida newspaper talks about proposed changes to child custody legislation. An investigative committee is being formed to consider whether “shared parenting may be the best custodial situation for all children of divorcing parents.”

 

While I am a strong advocate of shared parenting – it worked very successfully for me – I do not believe it’s the right or only answer for everyone. Because every situation is different when it comes to divorce, I certainly don’t believe legislation should be determining custody outcomes for any family. These are issues that caring, conscious parents should be deciding together with only one goal in mind – the very best interest of their children.

 

Unfortunately, too many parents approach this issue as adversaries. When child custody becomes a battle, everyone loses. Parents are pitted against each other and innocent children inevitably pay the price.

 

When custodial decisions move into contention, creating a scenario where lawyers, legislation and courts determine the direction of your children’s future, you not only lose power in your life, you lose harmony within your already fragile family structure.

 

There is another way. When you create a child-centered divorce, your children win – on every level. Parents who make a concerted effort to sit down with each other and discuss the future well-being of their kids together, keep their perspective where it really belongs – on the children. To do this, they must take into account and ask themselves some very serious questions:

 

  • What’s best for our children today, tomorrow and in the years to come?
  • How can we minimize the physical, emotional and spiritual damage inflicted upon our children as a result of our pending divorce?
  • How can we best support our children through this difficult time?
  • How can we show your love and compassion for them as they move through challenges they did not ask for — or create?
  • What can we do to boost their sense of security, self-esteem and well-being during the transitions ahead?
  • Who can provide the least traumatic home environment for the children – and for what percent of each day, week, month and year?
  • How can each of us best contribute our assets – physical, emotional and spiritual – to create harmony, good will and peace within the changed family structure?
  • How will our children look back at this divorce a year, five years, ten years and more from now? Will they understand?
  • How can we make life better for our children after the divorce than it was before?

 

The answers to these questions are not simple, nor are they black and white. They require honest communication between two mature adults who have their children’s best interest at heart. And yes, it may likely take more than the two of you to come to resolution on all the child-custody details. That’s where you can enlist the aid of professionals — mediators, therapists, counselors, life coaches and clergy. These experienced and knowledgeable experts will approach your divorce from a child-focused perspective. They have the tools and insight to help you reach agreement on issues that will affect the total well-being of your children in the least-derisive manner.

 

As tough as this process may appear, wouldn’t you prefer to make these decisions together, before you approach the court – and lawyers – rather than having them made for you?

 

When parents let the negative emotions they’re feeling toward their spouses – hatred, hurt, disappointment, guilt, shame, anxiety, frustration, mistrust and more – influence their decisions about child-custody issues, they are sabotaging their children. It is selfish, insensitive and extremely unproductive to let your personal vendetta determine the relationship your children have with their other parent. You are allowing personal satisfaction to get in the way of your parental responsibilities toward your kids. And the cost – to them as well as to you – will be high. (Many children, as they grow, come to resent a parent who keeps them from having a positive relationship with their other parent, leading to alienation and other negative outcomes.)

 

Upcoming articles in this ezine series will address some of the questions loving parents need to address in creating a child-centered divorce as well as the consequences when parents put their own needs before those of their children. I value your comments and suggestions as we explore this important topic for families touched by separation or divorce.

 

*   *   *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

 

© Rosalind Sedacca 2008.  All rights reserved.

A recent article I read in a Florida newspaper talks about proposed changes to child custody legislation. An investigative committee is being formed to consider whether “shared parenting may be the best custodial situation for all children of divorcing parents.”

 

While I am a strong advocate of shared parenting – it worked very successfully for me – I do not believe it’s the right or only answer for everyone. Because every situation is different when it comes to divorce, I certainly don’t believe legislation should be determining custody outcomes for any family. These are issues that caring, conscious parents should be deciding together with only one goal in mind – the very best interest of their children.

 

Unfortunately, too many parents approach this issue as adversaries. When child custody becomes a battle, everyone loses. Parents are pitted against each other and innocent children inevitably pay the price.

 

When custodial decisions move into contention, creating a scenario where lawyers, legislation and courts determine the direction of your children’s future, you not only lose power in your life, you lose harmony within your already fragile family structure.

 

There is another way. When you create a child-centered divorce, your children win – on every level. Parents who make a concerted effort to sit down with each other and discuss the future well-being of their kids together, keep their perspective where it really belongs – on the children. To do this, they must take into account and ask themselves some very serious questions:

 

  • What’s best for our children today, tomorrow and in the years to come?
  • How can we minimize the physical, emotional and spiritual damage inflicted upon our children as a result of our pending divorce?
  • How can we best support our children through this difficult time?
  • How can we show your love and compassion for them as they move through challenges they did not ask for — or create?
  • What can we do to boost their sense of security, self-esteem and well-being during the transitions ahead?
  • Who can provide the least traumatic home environment for the children – and for what percent of each day, week, month and year?
  • How can each of us best contribute our assets – physical, emotional and spiritual – to create harmony, good will and peace within the changed family structure?
  • How will our children look back at this divorce a year, five years, ten years and more from now? Will they understand?
  • How can we make life better for our children after the divorce than it was before?

 

The answers to these questions are not simple, nor are they black and white. They require honest communication between two mature adults who have their children’s best interest at heart. And yes, it may likely take more than the two of you to come to resolution on all the child-custody details. That’s where you can enlist the aid of professionals — mediators, therapists, counselors, life coaches and clergy. These experienced and knowledgeable experts will approach your divorce from a child-focused perspective. They have the tools and insight to help you reach agreement on issues that will affect the total well-being of your children in the least-derisive manner.

 

As tough as this process may appear, wouldn’t you prefer to make these decisions together, before you approach the court – and lawyers – rather than having them made for you?

 

When parents let the negative emotions they’re feeling toward their spouses – hatred, hurt, disappointment, guilt, shame, anxiety, frustration, mistrust and more – influence their decisions about child-custody issues, they are sabotaging their children. It is selfish, insensitive and extremely unproductive to let your personal vendetta determine the relationship your children have with their other parent. You are allowing personal satisfaction to get in the way of your parental responsibilities toward your kids. And the cost – to them as well as to you – will be high. (Many children, as they grow, come to resent a parent who keeps them from having a positive relationship with their other parent, leading to alienation and other negative outcomes.)

 

Upcoming articles in this ezine series will address some of the questions loving parents need to address in creating a child-centered divorce as well as the consequences when parents put their own needs before those of their children. I value your comments and suggestions as we explore this important topic for families touched by separation or divorce.

 

*   *   *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

 

 

Take the Fisher Divorce Adjustment Scale at www.DivorceSeminarCenter.com

 

 

 

 

 

By Jerry Zimmer | Posted in Children and Teens, Fisher Building Blocks, Fisher Seminars, General | Comments (0)

Child-centered divorce: It’s never too late to get it right – for your children!

October 27, 2008 – 7:12 am

Whether you got divorced several weeks ago or it’s been several years, most of us can acknowledge that we’ve made some mistakes.

 

Perhaps we lost our tempers at an inappropriate time and watched our children painfully internalize the experience.

 

Maybe we referred to our ex in a rather unflattering way only to find our child get very upset and storm away in anger.

 

Chances are, in the heat of the divorce drama, we settled for a decision or two that we later regretted and still feel resentful. Or we made a child-related agreement that, in hindsight, was not in our child’s best interest – but we don’t know quite how to remedy the situation.

 

While some legal matters will involve only legal resolution, there are many post-divorce relationship decisions involving our children that we can remedy. And it’s never too late to make amends and get it right.

 

If you have found that your children are suffering or hurting due to a decision you made when you were more motivated by anger than by positive parenting and are now having regrets – take action.

 

That can mean having a heart-to-heart with your children and apologizing for actions or statements you made that created pain in their lives. Take responsibility, own those behaviors, and humbly explain that you made an error and now want to make some changes.

 

That may translate into letting them spend more time with their other parent … no longer bad-mouthing your ex in front of the kids … inviting your ex to a holiday or school event with the children … encourage the kids to have a visit with their “other” grandparents … you get the idea.

 

Perhaps it means a straight-talk conversation with your ex that opens the door to better, more cooperative communication, trust and co-parenting. Or apologizing for harsh words and insults. Yes, this can be amazingly difficult to do from an ego perspective. But when you think about how much joy it can mean to your children when they see both of their parents getting along — it’s more than worth the swallowing of your pride. Chances are your ex will swallow some too – and be receptive to working things out in a more mature manner.

 

If you have nothing to “own” and all the tension and mistakes rest solely on the shoulders of your ex, try approaching them in a different way, focusing exclusively on the emotional needs of the children, and reaching out a hand in peace.

 

There’s no guarantee this will work – and we all know some certified jerks out there of both genders – but I wouldn’t give up – ever! Times change, people can change, and change may be just what your family needs so you can create a better outcome for the children you love.

 

When you take the “high” road and model responsible, effective behavior, you are giving your children the gift of learning how to do that themselves. It’s a gift that will pay off for you and them many times in the years ahead. One day your children will thank you for making things “right.” They’ll acknowledge you for being such a model Mom or Dad, despite the challenges you faced. And believe me, you will be proud of the parent you worked so hard to become.

 

*     *     *

 

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide™ to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com

 

Take the Fisher Divorce Adjustment Scale at www.DivorceSeminarCenter.com

By Jerry Zimmer | Posted in Children and Teens, FDAS, Fisher Building Blocks, Fisher Seminars, General | Comments (0)

Why do men cheat?

October 24, 2008 – 7:39 am

Why are men unfaithful? Do they stray because of sex or is cheating a sign of a deeper problem in the marriage? Is there anything that can be done to ensure that your husband will stay faithful? In his new book, “The Truth About Cheating,” family counselor M. Gary Neuman shares the results of his extensive research on cheating husbands and faithful husbands. He reveals how to spot the signs of infidelity and what women can do to prevent it. Read more here:  http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26793629/

Take the Fisher Divorce Ajdustment Scale at www.DivorceSeminarCenter.com

 

By Jerry Zimmer | Posted in FDAS, Fisher Building Blocks, Fisher Seminars, Self-esteem, Sex | Comments (0)

Five costly mistakes that can sabotage a parent’s divorce settlement

October 20, 2008 – 7:47 am

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

When the emotional turmoil of divorce enters your life, it can be hard to focus on the crucial details revolving around financial issues. However, if you are not pro-active in covering your short and long-term financial needs, you can suffer the consequences for decades to come. Here are five mistakes to avoid when negotiating through your divorce.


1. Becoming a Financial Victim.

Take the initiative. If a separation or divorce may be in your future, don’t wait. Be sure to make copies of all your important financial records. Include all account statements and other documents — banks, checking accounts, credit cards, real estate mortgages, stocks and bonds, tax returns, wills, life insurance, etc. If there’s a chance your spouse may liquidate or re-title any marital assets, immediately notify the holder in writing and get a restraining order from the court. Keep your eye on the cash in joint checking or brokerage accounts. The idea is to avoid later regrets by being pro-active. Should your assets be taken, you’ll pay considerable fees for legal and forensic accounting down the road.

 

2. Using a Combative Lawyer to Punish.

This can be a foolish and costly decision. Because divorce settlements are determined by equitable distribution laws, it’s all about the numbers. Our courts are not geared toward punishing your ex financially for hurting you emotionally or in other ways not being a good person. You’re setting yourself up for disappointment if you are expecting morality issues to be settled in court. Remember that a combative attorney is looking for ways to keep you in litigation. The hours they can spend “working” on your case is limitless if you give them that option. Consider that costly divorces add up to less money for you and your children to live on. What’s the benefit of that? Instead, think of your divorce as a business arrangement. Rather than looking for revenge, look for ways to redesign your life so you’ll be living a more rewarding future!

 

3.  Getting too Attached to your Assets.

Don’t get trapped by having an emotional attachment to your assets. The consequences of drawn-out conflicts over a piece of furniture, car, painting or vacation home can not only be costly – but exhausting and time-consuming. Too often, after clear exploration, many wives, for example, find they cannot afford to keep up the house they’ve been fighting for. That’s because a house is an asset that usually appreciates only 2 or 3 percent per year. Considering mortgage payments, taxes, repairs, etc., it is also a major expenditure. With this low return on investment, she may be much smarter downsizing and putting her revenue into income-producing investments and retirement planning. These options,  which many women consider as a lower priority, can ultimately provide better pay-offs in the long-term.

 

4. Depending on your lawyer for non-legal services.

Want to throw away countless dollars? Turn your attorney into your therapist, financial planner or messenger. With attorney fees ranging from $200 to $300 per hour and more, be clear about why you are contacting them and for how long. Feeling blue? A therapist’s fees are much lower than a lawyer’s and you’ll get much better advice for your money. Have questions about your assets? Bring a certified divorce financial planner onto your team. If you need assistance with visitation details, career counseling, emotional support and a broad range of other information, contact qualified professionals and pocket considerable saving on attorney fees.


5. Disregarding the Impact of Inflation.

Good divorce financial planners should be providing this advice, but it’s also important for you to be aware of the impact of inflation on your future. It’s essential that you take inflation into account when calculating the cost of college education ten or fifteen years from now or realistic savings for your retirement in two or three decades. Ask your financial advisor for ways to gauge your expenses in the short and long-term – and make wise decisions accordingly.

When you are a divorcing parent you owe it to your children to make decisions based on wisdom, not emotion. Put together a team you can rely on and, using their best advice, negotiate through your divorce as if your future depends on it – because it does!

*     *     *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!. For free articles, her ezine and other valuable resources  on child-centered divorce go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

 

2008  All Rights Reserved

 

Take the Fisher Divorce Adjustment Scale at www.DivorceSeminarCenter.com

 

 

By Jerry Zimmer | Posted in Children and Teens, FDAS, Financial, Fisher Building Blocks, Fisher Seminars, Legal | Comments (0)

What is true love?

October 15, 2008 – 6:14 pm

True love is not only hard to find, it’s also hard to tolerate. Such an idea may seem counterintuitive, but if you ponder it long enough to really get it, it could change the way you think about love.
All of us have been wounded in some way, either by early love relationships or later ones. Naturally, we create defenses to avoid getting hurt again - but we also maintain defenses against love itself. Why? Because loving responses from others cause us anxiety and sadness. Love hurts, as the song goes. So unconsciously we do a little dance to avoid being truly loved. It tilts our world and creates anxiety. Sometimes it’s easier to settle for the illusion. We create fantasy relationships that my have the outward signs of commitment, but which lack the joys and tensions of real love. We don’t have to worry about losing something if we don’t actually have it to begin with.

Or maybe we actually do manage to fall in love. Why is it that romance fades so quickly? Because soon after making the big commitment, we’re busy locking love into a compartment far removed from day-to-day reality. And far removed from the way we actually behave toward the one we at least started out loving. “Internal fantasies of love on the art of one’s mate, without the appropriate external behavioral manifestations, have no value for the recipient other than to disturb his or her reality testing,” write Robert Firestone and Joyce Catlett in Fear of Intimacy.

That is, when you’re getting the talk but not getting the behaviors that are supposed to go with it, it can be crazy-making. A discrepancy between claims of love and actual behavior is a definite red flag.

So what is love? Firestone and Catlett offer an eye-opening definition. They describe love as “those behaviors that enhance the emotional well-being, sense of self, and autonomy of both parties”. Anyone who claims to love another will behave in certain ways–or else she’s not really in love. True love is about appreciating and respecting the true nature of the other person and supporting his or her personal freedom. It’s not about fixing or changing the other person. It’s not about using the other person for one’s own sense of identity or personal security. Ideally you will have those things in place before you go off and “fall” for someone.

Which brings me to the subject of sexual attraction. Sex, in and of itself, has almost nothing to do with love. You can be dying to go to bed with someone and have no more ability to really love that person than to make a moon landing. Of course, if you really do love someone, ideally you will also be sexually attracted to that person. Mature love requires an integration of emotional attachment and sexual desire. The erotic feelings are an extension of the affection partners feel for one another.

People enter therapy because of their conflicts over love. What they don’t realize, often, is that they are without the capability of truly loving another because they haven’t yet worked out their own identity issues. They’re looking for someone to “complete” them and make them feel whole. That is not the foundation of real love.

Colette Dowling, LMSW, is a writer and a psychotherapist with a practice in New York. She has written many books on psychological issues relevant to women.

 

Source: www.4therapy.com

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By Jerry Zimmer | Posted in Counseling, FDAS, Fisher Building Blocks, Fisher Seminars, General | Comments (0)

What to tell your spouse before you tell the kids–about the divorce!

October 13, 2008 – 8:49 am

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

 

Ever go on a vacation without making plans in advance? The consequences are usually disastrous. If you fail to plan ahead regarding newspaper and mail delivery, feeding your pets or watering the plants, knowing where your destination is and reserving your accommodations, your vacation is likely to be filled with disappointment, frustration and even heartache.

 

What about preparing your children for your pending divorce? Do you have a plan – or are you going to wing it without any prior thought? For children, divorce is a monumental life experience for which they have no preparation. The very foundation of their security – their love for Mom and Dad – is being thrown into turmoil. Everything they knew and accepted as part of routine daily life is going to be affected in one way or another.  They don’t know what to expect and have little source of comfort other than their parents who are announcing the devastating news.

 

How can you help your children through this process? First, sit down face to face and talk to your children’s other parent, as if their lives depended on it. Regardless of your involvement with attorneys or other legal resources, this should be a conversation between two parents who love their children and want the best outcome for them.

 

Agree to set aside the emotional drama of your feelings for one another at this time … the hurt, anger, resentment, jealousy, competition, frustration, regret … and focus on just one issue: How will we tell our children about the divorce?

 

1.  Put yourselves in your children’s shoes.

 

Picture each of your children and talk to each other about how each child is likely to feel and react to the news. Put yourselves in their shoes and feel their emotions with deep compassion. You know your children. Discuss their ages and personalities. Are they likely to blame themselves … erupt in anger … beg you to stay together … want to run away and hide? Find a place of agreement and be prepared with the most comforting words and reassurances that will resonate with each child.

 

2.  Remind them they are not at fault.

 

Many children feet responsible in some way for their parent’s relationship problems and divorce. They need reassurance, again and again, that the problem is not about them – even if you’ve been fighting about parenting issues. Assure them it’s not their behavior that caused your conflict – and there is nothing they can do to make things different. You can say something like, “Mom and Dad have been having problems. We don’t agree about certain key issues and that creates conflict. So we are going to make some changes, but none of this is your fault and never was.”

 

3.  Reassure them that Mom and Dad will always be their parents.

 

Your children need to understand two things at this time. Mom and Dad will always love them – and will always be their parents. It is important to emphasize that no matter what changes occur over the weeks, months and years ahead, Mom and Dad will still always be their real parents and no one else will replace them. Tell them you both will always be there for them, no matter where you live or how things should change.

 

You can say, “No matter what happens, no matter what changes occur, one thing is for certain. Mom and Dad will always love you. That will never change. Regardless of where we live, what we do and how old you get. You can count on that. And don’t ever forget it.” Make sure you live up to that in the arrangements you will be making.

 

4.  Focus on change, not on blame.

 

Divorce is a scary word. It is wise at this time to talk to your children about change as a natural part of life. “Everything in life keeps changing. You grow bigger, stronger and smarter every year. The seasons change. You change grades and schools as you get older. Change means things will be different in some ways. It doesn’t mean things will be bad. Often change can make things better, and that’s what Mom and Dad want to do.”

 

Explain that it can take time for us to get used to changes, like starting a new grade with a new teacher. Other times change gives us a chance to do things in a new and better way, like trying a new sport or a hobby you grow to love.

 

Mention that the changes in our family are not about who’s right or wrong or who’s good or bad. “Mom and Dad both tried their best to resolve our problems. The old way didn’t work for us and now we will be trying a new way for our family to live so there’s more peace, calmness and happiness for us all. Let’s think about how we can see the changes ahead as a new adventure — a brand new chapter in our lives. It may not only be different – it may be better!”

 

5.  Your reassurance is essential.

 

Children are often frightened when faced with new experiences – and divorce is a monumental challenge for them to grasp. Keep reminding your children that everything will be okay. “Mom and Dad are working on all the details so you don’t have to worry about anything because Mom and Dad have it all under control.”

 

This isn’t the time to go into a lot of specifics. You may not have many answers yourselves. Keep the message very generic. “We’ll have new ways of doing some things … some new responsibilities … some differences in our schedules. But life will go on. We will get used to the differences. Some of them we may even prefer. And after a while, we’ll look back and say, life is different than it used to be, but it’s all okay. Mom and Dad are okay, you’re all okay, our family is okay and we still love each other.  And that’s most important of all!”

 

 

Ideally both Mom and Dad should tell the children together and agree in advance about the messages you are conveying. If you’re having the conversation alone, you must stay neutral and not talk disrespectfully about the other parent that your children still love. Focus on your children’s feelings and reactions. Respond compassionately in the best way you can.

 

These core messages are the foundation your children will depend on when they are feeling frightened, sad or insecure. Repeat them often in your own words and your own style. You’ll be rewarded in countless ways as you and your children encounter and overcome the challenges of life after divorce.

 

 

*    *    *    *

 

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!  Acclaimed by divorce professionals around the world, the book provides age-appropriate fill-in-the-blank templates that guide parents in creating a unique family storybook with personal photographs as an ideal way to break the news to their children. For more details, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.

 

© Rosalind Sedacca 2008 All rights reserved.

 

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By Jerry Zimmer | Posted in Children and Teens, FDAS, Fisher Building Blocks, Fisher Seminars, Legal | Comments (1)

Military and divorce

October 12, 2008 – 12:25 pm

Military divorce, is defined as a divorce where one of the parties (the “service member”) is active duty military, reserve or guard, or retired military. This is not a “legal” term that is recognized within the context of the law, but a lay term used to describe a divorce where one of the parties is a service member (regardless of the member’s status).

Being a service couple does not exempt the parties from the same requirements that civilian couples must meet when filing for divorce. However, there are some states that have relaxed the residency requirements for active duty service personnel who want to file for divorce in the state in which they are stationed.

 

Military couples will also go through the same procedural process when divorcing. But they must also be aware that there are other factors that the typical civilian couple will not have to address, and which may prolong the process because of the very nature of one of the party’s military service, such as an active duty assignment in a remote area, or a permanent station overseas.

Besides understanding the basic divorce process, it is imperative that military couples are knowledgeable in the factors that will affect their divorce as a result of military service. In fact, it may be even more important to know about the federal law that divides military retired pay, as your attorney will be the expert on your state’s own laws about divorce.

The Federal Law that Awards Military Retired Pay: If you are a typical civilian couple who is divorcing, you must primarily be concerned with the laws of the state in which you are divorcing.

Uniformed Services Former Spouse’s Protection Act (USFSPA): The USFSPA applies to all active duty, reserve/guard, and retired military, the U.S. Coast Guard, and members of the U.S. Public Health Service (USPHS) and the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA).

Myths that Have Caused Problems: Military couples have found themselves in financial trouble and drawn-out negotiations because of their misbeliefs regarding the USFSPA.

Examples of Problems You and Your Spouse Need to Address: While a similar group of questions (below) could be asked of any of the factors that are, involved in military divorces, the following will serve as one example that illustrates your need to know how your divorce will be affected by the USFSPA.

Factors that Affect Military Divorces: Just as in a civilian divorce, a military divorce will involve procedural requirements, property distribution, and perhaps child support or maintenance.

Federal Benefits and Financial Management to Consider in the Negotiation Process: Divorcing before the service member has attained 20 years of creditable service for retired pay purposes can be detrimental to the non-military spouse.

Controversies that Have Caused Court Appeals and Cost Money: There are numerous controversies, as analyzed from divorce court appeals, that have caused problems for military couples.

Hiring an Attorney: The most critical step you will take in your divorce, besides educating yourself about the USFSPA, will be your selection of an attorney. You would not go to a dentist to set your broken leg in a cast, would you?

What Attorneys Need to Know About Military Divorce: Any attorney knows that the lack of communication is one of the biggest complaints of clients. Add to it the lack of education (on the attorney’s or client’s part, or both) on the federal law that awards military retired pay, and you have the ingredients for not only angry clients, but also for other problems, not the least of which could be a malpractice suit.

What You Need to Do Right the First Time to Save Money: The majority of military people have very little information, or no idea, about the law that affects their retired pay in a divorce.

 

Source:  www.DivorceSource.com

 

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By Jerry Zimmer | Posted in FDAS, Financial, Fisher Building Blocks, Fisher Seminars, Legal | Comments (0)